Tous les couples vivent des moments difficiles, qui peuvent parfois aller jusqu’à la séparation. Quand l’amour cède la place à la rancœur, aux ressentiments ou à l’incompréhension, quelles sont les solutions pour raviver la flamme ou sauver son couple au bord de la rupture ?
Faut-il se battre pour sauver son couple à tout prix ? Quelles attitudes adopter ?
Bien vivre les changements au sein du couple, les rencontres, les enfants ou les évolutions personnelles, Mia donne des pistes à celles et ceux qui veulent sauver leur couple.
Consultez une thérapeute en ligne par téléphone, messagerie ou vidéo, 7 jours sur 7.Sauver son couple : 2 mariages sur 3 se finissent par une séparation
2 mariages sur 3 se finissent par un divorce à Paris, 1 sur 2 hors de la métropole : ces chiffres montrent l’ampleur des difficultés liées à la vie de couple. Alors, pourquoi ces crises de couple ? Et pourquoi ne trouve-t-on pas de solutions pour les surmonter ?
Ces crises sont inhérentes à chaque couple : tous les couples traversent des crises.
Au début de la vie de couple, quand on tombe amoureux, on est généralement dans la fusion avec l’autre : le ou la partenaire vient emplir tous les « manques » que l’on pouvait avoir.
On se projette idéalement avec cette personne. C’est un idéal. Puis, peu à peu, avec le temps, on commence à intégrer la réalité ; c’est-à-dire qu’on se rend compte que son ou sa partenaire n’est pas idéal.e, car personne n’est idéal.
La vie au quotidien peut aussi apporter plusieurs désillusions : vivre en couple sous le même toit est différent de se voir de temps en temps, on peut se rendre compte plus facilement des défauts de l’autre personne, que les habitudes ou les intérêts sont différents, etc.
Donc ce principe d’idéalité rentre en conflit avec une certaine réalité, qui demande certains efforts ou des ajustements ; on navigue entre le rêve et la réalité. Et quand on navigue trop longtemps, que le temps passe, que des enfants arrivent, que la vie professionnelle est compliquée, les efforts d’ajustement deviennent de plus en plus difficiles.
À partir de ce moment, le couple peut basculer dans une crise, et le ou la partenaire devient alors le mauvais « objet » ou le « problème », après avoir été idéalisé. Suivent les disputes et les reproches qui laissent souvent sous-entendre que l’autre n’est pas/plus celle ou celui qu’on s’imaginait.
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Comment reconnaître une crise de couple et sauver son couple ?
Tout le monde traverse des périodes difficiles, même si des crises sont plus graves que d’autres. Comment les reconnaître alors ? Plusieurs signes peuvent aider à reconnaître une crise au sein du couple.
Premièrement, la libido.
Quand on a plus du tout de désir pour son ou sa partenaire, c’est généralement mauvais signe. On peut avoir des baisses de désir momentanées – tout le monde en vit – mais quand cette baisse de désir s’installe, pour finalement ne plus exister du tout, c’est généralement le signe d’une crise plus difficile que les autres.
Attention quand même aux raccourcis : l’amour et le désir ne sont pas nécessairement liés ; la libido est dépend de trop nombreux autres facteurs.
Un autre signe évocateur est le fait de ne voir chez l’autre que ses défauts, jusqu’à en oublier ses qualités : on voit les défauts de l’autre en permanence, et on n’arrive plus à lui trouver les qualités qu’on lui trouvait au début.
Ces défauts deviennent insupportables à vivre et c’est là aussi un signe dont il faut se méfier.
Le fait de se projeter sans l’autre est là aussi un mauvais signe. C’est-à-dire que l’on se met à imaginer des projets qui excluent son ou sa partenaire : cela peut aller à des projets de vacances sans l’autre, à des projets plus importants, comme par exemple l’achat d’une maison où l’on ne se projette pas non plus en couple.
Enfin, d’autres signes sont évocateurs d’une crise de couple, comme le fait de ne plus supporter d’affection ou d’intimité de sa part, de « compter » les points négatifs (« il ou elle n’a pas fait ça », « j’aurais aimé qu’il ou elle fasse ça », etc.), qui finissent par faire pencher la balance en faveur d’une séparation.
Comment sauver son couple au bord de la rupture ?
Si on se pose cette question, c’est qu’il existe « quelque chose » à sauver de son couple. Sinon, on laisserait tomber.
Mais même s’il reste de l’amour, et que l’on ne se décide pas à rompre, il faut se poser une question précise, en même temps qu’on la pose à son ou sa partenaire : où en sommes-nous chacun de notre côté ?
Communiquer : un geste clé pour sauver son couple
Le plus souvent, lorsqu’on vit une crise, on a tendance à s’enfermer : on pense à soi, on est dans ses pensées et on ne pense pas à ce que pense l’autre. Où en est l’autre, on ne le sait pas, et bien souvent, on ne se pose même pas la question.
Et le temps est toujours l’ennemi de ce genre de situation ; car plus une crise dure, plus on s’enferme chacun de son côté, et plus cela nous rapproche d’une rupture.
Donc le premier geste est de retrouver une forme d’authenticité et de sincérité avec l’autre : il faut arrêter de tricher, de faire semblant, et il n’existe pas d’autres alternatives que le dialogue. Il faut pouvoir se retrouver, échanger sur ses ressentis et les ressentis de l’autre, à partir du moment où l’on sent que l’on s’éloigne et que l’on a plus envie de faire des choses ensemble.
Les deux partenaires doivent donc pouvoir parler et surtout écouter l’autre.
Il faut donc une volonté commune pour rester ensemble et savoir ce que l’autre ressent ; il arrive que les deux partenaires ne ressentent pas la même chose. Donc prendre le temps de discuter de ces derniers points est fondamental ; si le partenaire refuse, ou fuit le dialogue, c’est généralement mauvais signe quant à son intention de vouloir sauver le couple.
Mais il arrive aussi qu’on ne sache pas comment aborder les choses. Éviter le dialogue ne veut pas nécessairement dire qu’on ne veut pas sauver son couple, mais qu’on n’est pas capable d’aborder ces difficultés pour différentes raisons.
Changer ses habitudes
Aussi, pour sauver son couple, il est indispensable de changer ses habitudes : on ne peut pas continuer à faire tout le temps la même chose, si cela ne fonctionne pas, et espérer un résultat différent.
Les deux partenaires doivent donc s’écouter, s’entendre, mais aussi changer leurs habitudes. Les discussions doivent aboutir à des changements. Il ne sert à rien là d’argumenter, ou parler, car le ou la partenaire attendra des actes précis comme preuve d’engagement.
Et bien sûr, quand on arrive pas à changer seul.e, il ne faut pas hésiter à consulter une thérapeute de couple en ligne – même quelques séances – car ce bilan sur « l’état de santé » du couple est quelque chose de très compliqué à réaliser soi-même.
Ce qu’il faut retenir
S’il y a bien une chose que le temps ne répare pas, ce sont les crises de couple : plus on attend, sans résoudre les conflits, puis on se rapproche d’une rupture.
Même si ce n’est pas évident, il faut donc pouvoir aborder de face les difficultés au sein du couple ; si le dialogue n’est pas possible, pour différentes raisons, le couple peut se faire aider, afin de recréer du lien, et un environnement où le dialogue est possible.
Il existe de nombreuses thérapies de couple. Leur fonction n’est pas de permettre au couple de durer à tout prix, mais d’évaluer avec l’aide d’un.e thérapeute, le meilleur pour chacun.
Si les deux partenaires sont disposés à sauver leur couple, alors ils trouveront évidemment des solutions. L’important est de ne pas attendre le dernier moment pour se faire aider. Souvent la thérapie de couple intervient déjà après l’implosion du couple et c’est dommage : il est toujours plus facile de prévenir, que de guérir.
Et dernier point important, un couple peut aussi se faire aider en cas de séparation ; particulièrement s’il a des enfants, afin que la rupture se passe sans rancœur, et surtout, que les enfants n’en pâtissent pas.
Si vous le souhaitez, vous pouvez également consulter une thérapeute de couple en ligne sur Mia.co.
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