Fantasme sexuel : comment protéger son imagination (et son désir) ?

fantasme sexuel
Accueil / Couple
Rédigé par

Tristan Chevrier

Dernière mise à jour

16 mai 2022

Si cette question vous paraît étrange, c’est que le désir sexuel dépend de nombreux facteurs en lien avec nos relations, nos expériences, notre vécu. Mais aussi tout au long de la vie, avec notre imaginaire sexuel ou les fantasmes que nous construisons.

Protéger son imagination, c’est donc toujours pouvoir imaginer de nouveau.

Mais préservons-nous toujours notre imaginaire ? Quelles sont les pratiques où les situations qui peuvent nuire à notre imagination ? Et à plus large échelle, à notre désir ?

Mia analyse pour vous le rapport existant entre le porno (et la notion d’anonymat notamment) et notre imaginaire sexuel : lorsque le porno tient les rênes de notre désir, réapprenons à imaginer par nous même.

Consultez une thérapeute en ligne par téléphone, messagerie ou vidéo, 7 jours sur 7.

Fantasme sexuel : le porno, l’ennemi de notre imagination ?

Un fantasme sexuel est une imagerie mentale, qui suscite chez l’individu, de l’excitation ou de l’érotisme. C’est notre imagination qui contrôle à travers le fantasme notre excitation.

Cette forme « d’auto-érotisation » mentale peut prendre de nombreuses formes : scénarios, symboles, souvenirs, croyances, etc.

Un fantasme est donc une histoire que l’on se raconte (ou une pensée fugitive) de l’action romantique sexuelle.

Enfin, nous pouvons préciser qu’un fantasme n’est pas toujours positif. Nous pouvons vivre ce qu’on appelle des fantasmes « coupables » ou « honteux » (ce que le porno nous permet d’ailleurs d’explorer anonymement).

Dans cette description, nous comprenons donc l’intentionnalité de notre imagination dans la création de nos fantasmes : il s’agit d’une construction mentale.

À partir de quel moment donc, le porno vient-il remplacer, suppléer, notre imagination dans l’élaboration de nos fantasmes ?

Du porno… mais pas trop !

Car vous l’avez compris, le risque de reléguer au porno la responsabilité de nos fantasmes a inévitablement des répercussions sur notre désir et notre sexualité.

Même sans tomber dans la surconsommation de porno, le fait d’utiliser peut-être systématiquement l’imagerie pornographique pour l’élaboration de nouveaux fantasmes ou satisfaire notre curiosité, met finalement à mal notre imaginaire sexuel.

Et notre capacité à faire tourner nos méninges, pour être plus clair : plus besoin d’imaginer notre sexualité, le porno le fait pour nous. Et plus besoin de se questionner sur la nature de nos fantasmes, nous pouvons en vivre l’expérience virtuelle et anonyme à tout moment.

Car c’est bien la notion d’anonymat, le cœur du problème : j’ose avec le visionnage pornographique, ce que je n’ose pas forcément faire avec mon ou ma partenaire. Cela peut rester une partie « cachée » de notre vie sexuelle, un secret – mais jusqu’à quand ?

Car le porno peut très vite remplacer notre imaginaire sexuel, être une solution, avouons-le facile et accommodante, de satisfaire toujours plus nos curiosités sexuelles.

Avec les risques que cela comporte pour notre désir et notre sexualité.

Quand l’abus de porno augmente le risque de dysfonctions sexuelles

Comme le rapporte cette étude (J Clin Med, 2019), l’abus de porno est inévitablement lié à la pratique de la masturbation.

Et plus intéressant, cette surconsommation de porno est accentuée (ou favorisée) par la notion d’anonymat. Un cercle vicieux peut alors s’installer entre la satisfaction immédiate de nos désirs, l’immédiateté d’un caractère pornographique, et généralement l’orgasme que l’on lui associe par la masturbation.  

Et comme toute addiction, plus que la fréquence, c’est l’état d’esprit dans lequel on est plongé.e qui est fondamental : l’addiction répond à un besoin, et altère ainsi notre perception.

Or dans cette surconsommation de porno, nous ne faisons plus travailler notre imagination – ou très peu – nous ne faisons que chercher de l’imagerie.

Ce n’est pas vivre ou construire un fantasme, mais plutôt nous laisser suggérer des fantasmes. Le porno peut alors conditionner notre rapport à la sexualité, nous transformer, et modifier même nos pratiques (que l’on soit en couple ou célibataire).

Mais ce qu’on oublie de dire, c’est l’abus de porno augmente aussi le risque de dysfonctions sexuelles : troubles de l’excitation (mauvaise lubrification vaginale) et de la libido (en lien avec une image de la sexualité erronée, en contradiction avec la réalité des rapports), troubles de l’orgasme ou de l’éjaculation, dysfonction érectile, etc.

S’agissant du danger pour notre imaginaire sexuel, rappelons que les adolescent.es sont une population particulièrement vulnérable : en pleine construction neuronale et sexuelle, le porno vient remplacer l’imaginaire, par une imagerie sexuelle éloignée de la réalité.

Le danger est donc double : substituer une réelle imagination sexuelle réfléchie, à de l’imagerie porno pure et dure, en même temps que le porno fait office d’éducation sexuelle.

Fantasme sexuel : mesurer sa consommation de porno

Il faut donc trouver un juste milieu afin de préserver notre imagination et notre désir.

Car utiliser la pornographie dans de mauvaises conditions (psychologiques et/ou physique si cela répond à un besoin) peut nuire à nos relations et à notre sexualité – particulièrement au sein du couple.

C’est en effet un problème récurrent, de l’influence du porno sur nos comportements, puis sur notre désir.

Au sein du couple, cela peut conduire à ne plus éprouver de désir pour l’autre, ou ne plus être satisfait.e de nos pratiques sexuelles ; cela pose donc la question de la communication au sein du couple, mais aussi des limites de nos comportements.

L’anonymat pornographique nous permet de découvrir des pratiques que l’on n’ose pas forcément reproduire dans la réalité avec notre partenaire.

Ce qui pose un problème, c’est l’adhésion à ces pratiques, qui peuvent devenir des fantasmes « coupables » et créer un décalage entre notre sexualité et nos fantasmes. En plus de mettre de la distance dans nos relations.

Comment préserver alors son imagination et son désir ?

Fantasme sexuel : comment repenser la nature de notre sexualité ?

L’univers du porno, s’il semble démultiplier les partenaires, les pratiques, les situations ou les contextes, est en fait une vision plutôt “étriquée” et réductrice de la sexualité : nous avons beaucoup plus à explorer et à découvrir par nous mêmes !

Car d’un point de vue de l’éducation sexuelle, de la vision de la sexualité, des rapports entre les personnes, du culte du corps ou de la performance, le porno est bien la démocratisation d’une « mécanisation » des corps (comme valeur marchande), et le signe que notre imaginaire commence à nous faire défaut.

Tout est plus ou moins factice : les sentiments, les rapport entre les individus, les corps maquillés, identiques (comme si le beau n’avait qu’un seul critère), ou encore les scénarios – lorsqu’il y en a ! – à la limite du risible…

Le porno permet certes d’explorer les extrêmes (ou ce qu’on appelle parfois le sexe « déviant »), mais il l’explore malheureusement souvent de manière caricaturale et même dégradante : humiliation, souffrance, insultes ; en soi, aucun problème si c’est consenti de part et d’autres, mais que pouvons-nous proposer d’autre ?

Le sexe « piquant » doit-il inévitablement tourner autour du BDSM ? De la violence ? De la soumission d’un sexe ? Ou encore de la pénétration ? Etc. 

Comment garder ses distances face aux clivages sexuels caricaturaux que le porno véhicule ?

Fantasme sexuel : communiquons mieux et explorons mieux nos fantasmes !

En couple ou célibataire, les chiffres parlent d’eux mêmes : nous ne communiquons pas assez. Or, comment être satisfait.e sexuellement sans communication ?

Cela relève presque du miracle !

Pour illustrer ce défaut de communication et les non dits entre les partenaires, le Journal of Sexual Medicine révélait en 2015, que 30% des femmes avaient eu mal lors de leur dernier rapport sexuel, sans que le partenaire ne change de comportement dans la moitié des cas…

Un sondage ifop de 2019 mettait aussi en corrélation un manque de diversité dans les pratiques sexuelles : seulement 20 à 30% des femmes obtenaient un orgasme uniquement par pénétration vaginale, et par conséquent 50% des femmes auraient aimé une sexualité avec plus de sensualité ou plus de caresses.

Si les comportements et les mœurs doivent changer de part et d’autre, pourquoi sommes-nous aussi réduits dans nos pratiques sexuelles ? Pourquoi chercher des réponses ou des idées dans le porno ?

La première raison sans doute est que nous assumons encore mal nos fantasmes sexuels . Ce n’est pas aussi simple de les partager avec son ou sa partenaire.

Pouvons-nous apprendre de nos fantasmes dès lors ? Doivent-ils demeurer secrets ?

De ce que nous apprenons du fantasme sexuel

Plusieurs recherches ont mis en évidence les différences de fantasmes entre les hommes et les femmes.

Même si ces recherches présentent des difficultés, notamment sur la méthode (qui peut varier d’une étude à une autre), peut-être pouvons-nous quand même mieux comprendre la nature du fantasme et son aspect « inavouable » ou « coupable ».

En 1981, Crépault présentait les résultats d’un questionnaire réalisé par 523 participants (288 femmes et 235 hommes) hétérosexuels.

Chez les hommes hétérosexuels, on retrouvait majoritairement :

  • Le voyeurisme – La polygamie – Les rapports oro-génitaux – Le BDSM – La domination – L’image de l’anti-madone (opposition à la vierge) – l’homosexualité féminine ;

Alors que les femmes auraient davantage de fantasmes sur :

  • Le fait d’être sentimentalisé – L’exhibitionnisme – Le narcissisme – Le Masochisme – L’homosexualité – D’être une anti-madone ;

On voit que certains fantasmes ont pour spécificité de représenter une forme d’interdit, notamment au sein du couple : cela est encore plus vrai avec le fantasme extraconjugal.

Le fantasme sexuel extraconjugal : un fantasme masculin ?

Selon une étude de Peplau réalisée en 2003, les hommes auraient davantage de fantasmes sur des personnes étrangères, anonymes ou plusieurs partenaires.

De la même manière, le fantasme de domination serait également plus fort chez les hommes, quand les femmes préfèreraient globalement la soumission.

On retrouve aussi l’hypothèse que les hommes auraient davantage de fantasmes tournés autour du sexe en groupe et plus de fantasmes « extraconjugaux » – même si cette proportion reste aussi élevée chez les femmes (98% chez les hommes et 80% chez les femmes).

En regardant de plus près d’autres résultats de plusieurs questionnaires libres, on remarque que les femmes auraient davantage de fantasmes sur leur partenaire actuel, alors que les hommes auraient eux, plus de fantasmes extraconjugaux. 

Par contre, la durée de la relation, ainsi que le nombre de partenaires précédents, sont corrélés chez l’homme et la femme à des fantasmes extraconjugaux plus élevés.

Toutefois, la méthodologie d’une enquête et les orientations des questionnaires peuvent induire de nombreux changements dans les résultats.

C’est pour cette raison que certains estiment que les enquêtes ne permettent pas de signifier clairement des différences, et que d’autres reconnaissent des différences minimes, mais qu’elles ne sont pas assez significatives.

Peut-on (et doit-on) partager son imaginaire ou son fantasme sexuel ?

Au regard des derniers fantasmes que nous avons évoqués, pas toujours évident de les partager – que l’on soit en couple ou célibataire !

Les fantasmes doivent-ils demeurer notre « jardin interdit » ou pouvons-nous rêver d’un imaginaire sexuel partagé ?

Si nous avons peur d’exprimer nos fantasmes, c’est peut être que nous avons souvent peur du regard de l’autre ou de son jugement ; ce qui sous-entend que nous établissons inconsciemment des limites à nos sexualités.

Et puis parfois, sans que l’on s’en doute, notre partenaire partage un même fantasme, sans que l’on arrive à être suffisamment libéré.e pour en parler et/ou pour accepter le fantasme de l’autre.

Car peut-être qu’avec davantage de partage et de communication, nous ne serions pas obligé.es de fonder tous nos espoirs sur le porno pour satisfaire nos désirs. Et qu’une meilleure communication permettrait de « vivre » sa sexualité, plutôt que de la « refouler » de manière anonyme. 

Nous éviterions ainsi le risque de « dématérialiser » notre sexualité et de nous éloigner de la réalité des rapports sexuels.

En conclusion : imaginez votre sexualité, communiquez, partagez !

Avant de laisser votre imagination se perdre dans l’internet pornographique, souvenez-vous que la pornographie n’est pas la sexualité. Cela ne remplacera jamais la réalité de l’intimité, du partage, des sensations !

Or, quand on s’ennuie sexuellement, visionner du porno ne solutionnera pas notre satisfaction sexuelle.

Justement parce que la sexualité se partage ! Les changements doivent donc s’opérer dans la réalité : le désir et l’excitation s’entretiennent ; il est par exemple normal de se lasser lorsqu’on ne varie pas les pratiques.

Mais il faut en parler librement ! Principalement en couple : fuir dans un monde reculé et fantasmatique, caché de l’autre, ne fera que mettre un peu plus de distance au fil du temps, et perturber votre sexualité de couple.

Enfin pour conclure, à trop dépendre des autres pour trouver des idées par soi-même, on en vient à ne plus avoir d’idées tout court. N’oubliez pas que vous êtes tout à fait capables de trouver votre scénario ou votre fantasme, sans l’aide du porno !

Et peut-être qu’une meilleure éducation sexuelle permettrait d’être plus libéré.e face à notre imagination et nos désirs.

Consultez une sexologue en ligne sur Mia.co

Consultez une thérapeute en ligne par téléphone, messagerie ou vidéo, 7 jours sur 7.

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